Hi, it’s me again. Back with another post about my emotions. Yuck, right? I wanted to talk about trauma. What it’s like living with it, how it affects me in any kind of relationship and how it affects me in general.
I went through a lot as a kid. Things my mom didn’t know about because if she did, I assume my father wouldn’t be alive. I suffered tremendously as a child. I always felt like an outcast. Like no matter what I did, no one cared about me or loved me. Which makes sense why my depression always comes out as feeling alone. I went through things that I still do this day have a hard time opening up about because the second I do, it truly feels like everything changes with whatever person I confided in. Which again, makes me feel alone. It’s just insane to me, how something that happened as a kid can still have such a profound affect on someone. And how two people can go through the exact same trauma and come out completely different.
So I guess in order not to fell so alone, I am going to tell all of you. Since you guys already get deep in my mind with me. I was sexually assaulted as a kid, by someone in my family. Before you ask, no I don’t remember it all. I have bits and pieces that I get flash backs of, but I think my brain blocked those memories for me. However, I still get the touch flashbacks. So if someone touches me and I don’t see it coming, I can end up in a full blown panic attack. I still get all of the sensory flashbacks I guess, because sometimes I will just be minding my own business and I feel so scared, like something is happening to me even though I am perfectly safe. I also have this reoccurring nightmare that I am running away from someone who had me locked in a trailer. I never get away though and then I wake up. I have so many issues because of this. It feels lonely and causes major depressive episodes. The last two have been so bad I have literally planned my suicide, but don’t worry I have too many things keeping me on this earth to actually go through with it. So please don’t have me committed. Then add in my emotional trauma from literally every relationship I have ever been in. Never feeling good enough, always feeling like there is someone else who is better (and that’s always been the case, so it’s a solid reason to feel that way). I’ve never been able to have a good and successful relationship, and I know that’s partially my fault for being naive and believing everything people tell me. I just so badly want to believe that someone wants to love me. I want to believe that people have good intentions. I want to believe that people care about me. I want to believe that I am not going to end up alone forever. But I am starting to think that’s my fate. Being sad and alone for the rest of my life. I always end up getting back to a good place but then I always come back to this. I don’t know it sucks. And add in all this trauma on top of it. I am like a ticking time bomb.
Living everyday with these thoughts in my brain has destroyed me. I feel like I am so broken. I feel like everyday lately is reliving this trauma. Trying to deal with how much I hate myself, how broken I feel, how worthless I feel. I don’t think people realize when they first meet me that I am so shattered, my self esteem is gone. I had a man leave me because I was sick. I had another man lie to me for 6 months of our relationship about where he was and what he was doing. I apparently can only attract losers. I’ve never had a healthy relationship which my therapist told me definitely has to do with what i’ve been through. Because I didn’t just experience sexual assault as a kid, I experienced it again at 13, in the most abusive relationship I have ever experienced. It was brutal. I don’t think I can ever put into words how much that relationship set the stage for me as an adult. That was definitely the turning point in my life. I mean my entire life has been a shit show let’s be honest. And I have people telling me constantly that I am so strong and they don’t know how I do it. That’s a great question, I don’t know either. But I am tired of being strong. I am tired of having to pull my shit together so I don’t look like the crazy one. I am tired, of fighting everyday to be this positive person in the world. I want to be as rude and evil as people have been to me. I want to be able to be a dick and then gaslight the fuck out of people to make it their fault and then call it communication. I want to be an awful person too. But I chose to take my trauma and do everything opposite of what people did to me. I chose to find a way to be a light every single day. But now I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. Why I chose to be better and I am still crying myself to sleep everyday. It doesn’t seem very fair.
Trauma will fuck you 5 ways to Sunday. I can tell you that much. It’ll have you holding on to things that are destroying you because the ideas of not being good enough stay trapped in your head. I stay loyal to people who aren’t loyal to me, and I don’t just mean romantic partners. I mean friends. I will go out of my way for the people in my life but here I am two weeks deep in an all consuming depression and let me tell you how many people have reached out to check on me, people that I speak to everyday… one. One person, and it’s still only someone I talk to occasionally. How sad is that? And then trauma makes it worse because it tells me that I am willing to drop everything for the people I care about and I could die tomorrow and no one would care. The people I spend the most time talking to are the ones my brain says, they don’t care, they won’t care, they are likely to be the least affected if I die. But then they’d be the people who wished they had more time with me while I was alive. That is what trauma does to you. It makes you believe these things. It screws with how you view the world. And it’s even harder to explain that to people. But my brain literally tells me if I die, no one would care. My brain tells me that I matter to no one. That I am more of an annoyance than I am anything else. I constantly tear myself down, and I start to believe everything the trauma has taught me. And the day I believe it for real, is a day I don’t want to live to see.
Dealing with trauma means waking up everyday and trying to fight what your brain is telling you. It’s waking up everyday and trying to see the light in the world. It’s waking up everyday and choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason. But there comes a period of time where no matter how much you try or how hard you work to believe anything positive, the darkness sucks you in. It doesn’t even have to happen all that often, but when it does, it’s hard to get out of. And everyone has a different trigger for what brings on that darkness. Mine is feeling unwanted. Because my entire life all I have ever wanted was to feel wanted, to feel completely loved, to feel like I wasn’t a burden to everyones lives, to feel like my life mattered to people. But I still have those moments when something or someone will make me feel like I am nothing but a burden to the world. Where nothing I do matters because if their eyes I am worthless. And it could be something so insignificant to other people but for me it is the end of the world. Once I am in this darkness, there is no coming out of it on my own. I feel like it takes an army to get back to being happy. When the darkness takes over, man, it really just takes over. Everything becomes the hardest task I have ever done. The sun doesn’t seem so bright, the flowers don’t seem as pretty and the animals don’t seem so happy. The world just becomes dull. The best way I can describe it is in Halloweentown, when things are all bright and colorful and then the color gets drained out of everything and it gets sad and gray. Well right now my life seems sad and gray.
This is trauma. C-PTSD. Living life in a constant rollercoaster of ups but then very low low low downs. It’s crazy, how this disorder literally rearranges your brain. How it takes things that shouldn’t be an issue and makes them sad, and depressing. How it takes one wrong word in a text or one wrong tone in someones voice to be completely lost for weeks. And even when I try to fight it, and I try to be better than it. It doesn’t help, I still sit on my own and cry myself to sleep every night. What kind of life is that?