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Inside my Mind

Do you ever just feel like life is playing a sick joke on you? Because right now I do. Obviously we are aware I’ve been in a very bad mental space lately. It’s even worse now because I’m pretty sure the universe enjoys fucking with me.

One of my life long dreams has been to be a nurse. I originally started college and got into a nursing program but my school shut down. Because of this, none of my credits transferred to a 4 year university and I was stuck restarting everything. I got so overwhelmed that I eventually changed my major to Psych. Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely fascinated with psychology. I read journals all the time. But my heart wasn’t fully in it. I wasted 3 years taking classes for that and then when the pandemic hit I took a step back and really thought about my life. This made me realize being a nurse is all I’ve ever wanted.

So I started working towards that goal last year, working my little butt off so I could get into the program. But today I took the entrance exam and failed on section of the exam so badly that I now can’t even apply for the program. It absolutely shattered me. I felt my entire dream shatter. I’ve never felt so low or broken in my entire life. I felt like I had just lost everything I’ve been working for. I mean at this point it’s like why am I even alive? Am I here just to be tortured by the universe?

And on top of all of that, I’ve had a new health issue pop up and it’s scaring me. No one knows what’s going on or why it’s happening, so I’m about to go through a full work up and I’m not even sure I want the answer.

I’m just so depressed. I can’t even explain it. It’s like something switched in my brain and now all I see if negative. All I see is sad. All I see is pain. All I feel is alone. Even though I have people, my brain still tells me people are just putting up with me. I can’t seem to figure out what’s going on in my brain. I can’t figure out why I can’t be happy. It’s like all the joy and love was sucked out of my body.

One of the biggest things is the fact that I feel like I drop every thing for the people I care about, I will drive to them in the middle of the night to make sure they are okay. I will call off work to be with my people when they need me. But I don’t feel like a single person in my life would do that for me. I’ve been depressed for the last week or so and I feel like no one cares. No one has made any effort to be there. Even people I talk too all day long seem annoyed or bothered when I want to talk about how I’m feeling. I’ve always been told to treat people how you want to be treated. But sometimes I feel like I do way to much for people. And it sucks because I never want to stop supporting and loving my humans, but at the same time no one does it for me so why should I do it for them?

I just want to feel like I matter. I just want to be loved. I just want to be happy again.

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