I think one of the things that can be so difficult to overcome is getting comfortable. I mean in any aspect of life. It could be with your job, with your friends, with relationships or even just life overall. I feel like getting too comfortable stops anyone from growing because you don’t want to leave that zone.
My main issue is I’m so comfortable being alone, and so content just being with myself that I do not put myself out there. I don’t make new friends. Anytime I’m interested in a guy I just become so checked out because I like my little bubble. I like being home. And I like knowing what’s happening in my life.
I’m sure for me it stems from years of just heart break after heart break. Even in my friendships. I’ve had so many friends that just walked out of my life. I totally understand just not clicking with someone, but these were people I was so close too and they just left. I’ve had men absolutely destroy every part of me that I loved. One even used my chronic illness against me which promptly made me stop getting close to men.
But even 3 years later, I refuse to put myself out there for dates or friendships. I’m so tired of being hurt that I’ve gotten so comfortable just staying to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a super outgoing person and I love human interaction. But sharing deep parts of my is absolutely not happening. Which is bizarre because I can come here all day and express myself. But if someone wants to talk about it in real life, forget about it.
I think getting comfortable stunts you. Not all of you, because I truly feel like the last few years have been my defining ones. Dealing with trauma, working through things, learning about myself and just blooming into the person I want to be. So I’ve definitely grown. But when it comes to any sort of relationship, I want no part in it.
The saddest thing is I crave genuine human connection. I want friends/a romantic relationship where I feel like I can just talk about anything and everything and be completely happy. But I’ve been hurt and walked on so many times that now I’m just completely comfortable being alone. I honestly rather prefer it anymore. And I hate that I don’t step out of that comfort zone because I’m such a social person. But I’d rather be lonely and happy then surrounded by people who could hurt me.
I’ve met some of the nicest people in the world and I’ve still cut them off. Not intentionally. I just get so stuck in this place of not wanting to get hurt that if there’s even a moment that I feel like someone could betray me, I’m done. I have old friends who would lose their minds when I would leave my house for anything other than work or school, that’s how little I left.
I mean even as a little couch potato hermit, I have been hurt. And I think this works the same for a job. You get so comfortable where you are that even if you are miserable, it’s easier and safer than trying to find something different. And I’m sure anyone who relates to this can confirm that when you get comfy it’s almost like you’re stuck. Even when you try to break free, the comfort pulls you back.
It’s honestly frustrating. I’d love nothing more than to spread my social butterfly wings and make all the friends and fill my life with laughter. But instead, I work, go to school and come home. I hardly ever leave my house for anything other than necessity. And that’s so sad. I miss being free, having zero care in the world. But when you’ve been hurt so many times and so deeply by almost every person you’ve trusted, it’s almost like being sad at home is better than a possibility of heart break.
I didn’t intend for this post to be so emotional. I’m just sad. I’m tired of staying stuck, but no matter how hard I try, I would rather be by myself. There is only none human being outside of my family that I constantly let in, but even that person sometimes breaks my heart. I wonder if I’m ever going to find my people in the world. Am I ever going to find someone I love more than being alone?
Maybe now that I’m finally discovering me, and the person I truly am, I will find friends I adore and someone to love. But for now, I’m going to stay in my bubble. No matter how sad and pathetic it is, because humans can’t be trusted.
PS. The reason I say any of this is because every person I’ve confided in has either told everyone what I’ve told them, or makes what I’m saying seem like it doesn’t matter. And some of the things I express to friends/guys I’ve dated, is horrible, nightmare inducing shit and no one ever takes it seriously. 99% of the time it was thrown in my face as a reason for leaving. So no, I do not trust people.